Difficult questions: Psychiatrist shares tools for talking about school shootings

When children witness or hear about traumatic events—like the recent shooting at Annunciation Catholic Church and School in Minneapolis—their world can feel suddenly unsafe. Just like adults, they may struggle to understand and cope with what happened.

Jessica Cici, MD, child and adolescent psychiatrist with M Health Fairview, offers tips for talking to kids about what they’re experiencing and how adults can process their own emotions.

“In addition to being a child psychiatrist, I'm also a mother of three elementary school age children,” Cici said. “This topic hit very close to home for me, too. It's completely natural to be feeling anxiety about sending your kids to school after the community has gone through what it has.”

It’s also understandable if you’re not quite sure what to tell your kids. Here is a starting point.

After a traumatic event, check in with your family

Just because kids don’t bring up the topic with you doesn’t mean they haven’t heard things or aren’t thinking about it. Try to create a space for conversation.

“It’s very possible that they heard about it from a friend or classmate or saw something on the news,” Cici said. 

Check in with them first and ask what they’ve heard. For younger kids, you might be a bit vague with details, but with elementary school age students and older, sharing concrete, matter-of-fact details can be helpful in reducing their anxiety.

Then validate their emotions. They might feel sad, scared, overwhelmed, upset, or angry. A range of emotions is to be expected. It’s also healthy to model sharing your emotions. Telling your child that you are also feeling sad and scared helps them understand that having these emotions after a scary or heartbreaking event and expressing them is normal.

Let kids ask their questions

Just like you, kids might have questions after hearing about something terrible. It’s also likely that you won’t have all the answers. It’s OK to say that you don’t have an answer and that you’re still trying to make sense of what happened, too.

Try to end the conversation with reassurance. You can tell kids that the adults at home and school are there to protect them. That their safety is really important and that you’re all doing everything you can to keep them safe.

Watch for signs that kids aren’t OK

When kids are experiencing big feelings, they might behave differently. Some kids keep to themselves and are quieter than usual. Some might act out or be more argumentative than is usual for them. Sometimes feelings come out in physical ways, like sleep troubles, lack of appetite, headaches, or stomachaches. These are all considered normal responses to trauma, Cici said. 

But if the behavior changes or physical complaints continue for weeks, consider reaching out to a school counselor or your child’s primary care provider. Your child might need some extra support.

Take care of yourself, too

No one wants to think of children being hurt. It’s completely natural to have some anxiety about sending your own children to school after seeing what the Annunciation community has experienced. 

“In order for us to be there for our kids, we need to take care of ourselves,” Cici said. “It’s very appropriate to seek out support for yourself whether it’s talking to a trusted friend or finding a therapist.”

Remembering why you send kids to school is also helpful. School is there to help grow our children. They are not only learning to overcome things academically, but also socially and emotionally.

Turn emotions into action

Finally, look for ways to channel your feelings into action. You might feel better after donating blood, writing a letter of gratitude to first responders, or joining an organization that helps to strengthen the community. 

Taking action can help restore a sense of control – and maybe even influence the kinds of changes you hope to see.

Mental healthcare is available

M Health Fairview mental health experts are available to help support children and adults. Call 1-800-468-3120 to get connected to the right mental health and addiction care services provider for you.