How to help kids navigate new responsibilities and social dynamics of middle school

The transition to middle school can be challenging – not just for adolescents but also for the people who love them.

“The transition to middle school is happening at a very interesting time in kids’ lives,” said Dan Landauer, PhD, LP, a child psychologist at M Health Fairview and an assistant professor at the University of Minnesota Medical School. “It's happening at the same time puberty is starting or in process. It’s one of the most intense growth periods in terms of brain development.”

In adolescence, kids’ decisions are mostly driven by emotions. The ability to plan, organize, and think abstractly comes as the brain matures. So kids are making emotional decisions, going through hormonal changes, and, for some, transitioning to a different type of school. Middle school could mean a new school building with more kids – which comes with new social opportunities and challenges. They also take on more responsibility for managing their own homework and knowing where they need to go and when. All of these things could make the transition to middle school a stressful experience.

“They’re expected to keep track of their assignments and understand their schedules,” Landauer said. “That can be challenging because it’s something that they may not have had to do before. It’s a challenge to their emotional and cognitive abilities.”

How grown-ups can help

Parents can help set kids up for success by talking about it, Landauer said. Tell your kids what they can expect at their new school – and what’s expected of them. You can talk through strategies for keeping track of their class schedule, homework assignments, and what they need to bring to school.

Kids are all different. Some can take on the transition easily with just the help of a new planner. Others might need some reminders or would benefit from going over their assignments for the week with you.

“At the beginning of the school year, you might be checking in a little bit more,” Landauer said. “Ask how they’re doing with that math homework, for example. Try to reinforce the schedule you created together until they get into the routine.”

Dr. Landauer suggests also talking to your pre-teen about: 

“I always try to include the adolescent in this kind of planning,” Landauer said. “You want to act as their wisdom, but they know about themselves. Parents also have to recognize that what is actually healthy for them isn’t going to be what’s practical for them.”

For example, parents might not want their teens to use social media at all, but that might not be realistic for a child who is going through a period of social comparison and wants to fit in. Instead, it might be helpful to discuss rules and boundaries, such as no screens in bedrooms since they can affect sleep.

Bedtime with adolescents can be a struggle, Landauer said. In adolescence, the brain wants to go to sleep later and wake up later, Landauer said. But school schedules don’t usually accommodate sleeping in.

“The amount of sleep that kids get can impact their emotional, cognitive, and academic functioning,” Landauer said. “So try to help your child develop good sleep habits. Sticking with it is going to be important for their overall health.”

Helping your child maintain a healthy diet and get some physical activity can also help set them up to do well in school and make them more resilient when things go wrong, Landauer said.

Talk about bullying

Bullying is common in middle schools – and it can look different than it did in elementary school. Often, it’s more exclusion-based in middle school, Landauer said. Kids notice differences more and might make comments about how someone looks or what they do or don’t have. Other forms of bullying include creating fake social media profiles and spreading rumors. 

“Even though you may not see any overt signs of bullying, there might be things like that happening,” Landauer said. “Talk to your child to see if they feel excluded or if people are bothering them online. Sometimes they’ll keep it to themselves because they're embarrassed by it, or they feel like they can handle it themselves. They’re not always equipped to do that.”

Landauer recommends showing a genuine interest in what your kids are doing online. Ask about what videos they’re watching, games they’re playing, and who they’re talking to. As they get older, they might want to share less with you, but if you show genuine interest and understanding, they’re going to be more open with you, Landauer said.

“Kids tend not to like long lectures, but they want to feel understood and that if they tell you things you're not going to react in a big way, but that you’re going to be there as a support,” Landauer said.

Signs a child needs help

Among this pre-teen age group, kids might seem moody or not act like themselves while they are developing their own identities. They might also struggle with the expectations and responsibilities. Parents can watch out for signs of anxiety and depression that would indicate they could use professional help. Some signs include:

• Crying more than usual
• Isolating themselves in their room. Some need for alone time is expected. It might be a sign of depression if it seems to be getting in the way of activities they enjoy or daily tasks like eating or hygiene.
• Refusal to go to school or saying they frequently feel sick.

If you have concerns about your child’s mental health, mention it to their primary care provider who may be able to rule out medical reasons for the changes or refer them to a mental health care provider. Learn more about pediatric mental health services available at M Health Fairview locations.