How to help your kids stay steady with school stress
From the first day of kindergarten through graduation day, school comes with pressure. Students are challenged with worksheets, presentations, and tests that measure how well they are doing individually – or how well the school is performing.
Sometimes the pressure becomes too much, and kids need some tools to help them through it. It’s never too early to give them those tools since stress and performance evaluations are part of life. Some stress around tests is helpful because it pushes people to prepare, but too much stress can affect performance. The key is balance.
Test stress and school performance anxiety are among the top concerns of adolescents, said Dan Landauer, PhD, LP, a child psychologist at M Health Fairview and an assistant professor at the University of Minnesota Medical School. He said it’s especially challenging for kids who have anxiety already and then feel pressure to do well on tasks.
“Anxiety comes from uncertainty, not knowing what is going to happen,” Landauer said. “the more you feel like you have control over things, the less anxious you’ll be. So focus on what you can control, like getting sleep, eating right, and preparing for the test. The more you understand the material, the less anxious you’ll be about taking the test.”
Landauer and Jeremy Peterson, MD, a family medicine physician at M Health Fairview Clinic - Princeton and health advisor for Princeton Public Schools, offer tips for handling school stress.
Work on consistency
Peterson said showing up well for tests starts with consistency. That means consistently getting enough sleep, eating well, and keeping up with homework.
“I see kids in the clinic who are struggling in school and parents tell me that their kids get seven hours of sleep one night and 11 the next, so it averages nine,” Peterson said. “But if kids are struggling and they're tired during the school week and Mondays and Tuesdays are bad, try to see if you can make it more consistent.”
The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that kids ages 6 to 12 years old get 9 to 12 hours of sleep each night. Kids 13 to 18 years of age need 8 to 10 hours of sleep.
Picture it
Visualizing a big event, like giving a speech in class or taking a test, can help children of all ages process what’s happening and come up with strategies to get through it.
“Rehearse step-by-step in your head,” Landauer said. “Think about the situation not going as planned and make a plan for how to deal with it effectively.”
Encourage kids to picture themselves walking into the school building and the teacher starting the test. Then imagine getting stuck on a question and feeling anxious. Help them decide if they will give it their best guess or skip it and come back to that question.
Or help them think back to past experiences that were difficult and how they got through them. Remind them that they can get through this one as well. You can also encourage them to try their hardest and do their best. Then reassure them that you recognize the effort they put in all semester, Peterson said.
Feeling nervous can be good, too. Nerves can teach kids that they need to prepare – and that they can handle stressful experiences.
Learn coping skills
Life will always include some stressful moments, so it’s important to equip kids with tools they need to calm themselves. Square breathing is an easy one they can do from their second-grade desk all the way to their first job interview. Just breathe in for two seconds, hold for two seconds, exhale for two seconds and hold for two seconds. Repeat as needed.
This slows breathing, which allows better oxygen exchange in the lungs. In turn, that tells the autonomic nervous system that controls the body’s involuntary responses, including the fight-or-flight response when we get anxious, that it’s safe.
For younger kids, a visual like pretending they’re blowing on hot chocolate or blowing the seeds from a dandelion can encourage them to slow down and take big, deep breaths.
After the test
After the test, encourage kids to reward themselves for doing something hard, Landauer said. “That can be anything from telling themselves ‘good job’ or taking them for ice cream after school,” he said.
If things didn’t go as well as they hoped, it’s OK if they feel bad for a while. Processing their emotions will help them learn from the event. Remind them that it’s just one test – there will be other opportunities to succeed.
Get help
Some kids get severe performance anxiety, Peterson said. If you ask them 10 questions, they might answer them all correctly, but if you call it a test, they get half wrong. If that’s the case, talk to the teacher and mention it to your child’s doctor. Your child might have an anxiety condition.
“If your child does have an anxiety condition, there are opportunities to help,” Peterson said. “It doesn’t have to be medication, and it doesn’t have to be therapy, but it does start with a conversation.”
Other signs to talk to your child’s healthcare provider:
- Your child tries to avoid going to school on test days.
- They have an anxiety attack while taking the test or can’t finish the test.
- They are uncharacteristically irritable.
- They feel bad about a test performance for several days.
- Stress is affecting other classes or areas of their life.
Students who have a significant issue with attention, focus, anxiety, depression, or autism might qualify for an individual education plan. That would legally entitle them to test accommodations, such as extra time, wearing headphones, or sitting in a different space so they're not distracted by their peers.
Even without a diagnosis, kids who get really nervous can talk to their teachers about it. They could work through possible solutions together before the big day, such as being allowed to step out for a drink of water mid-test or giving their presentation first.
Find a pediatric primary care provider or a pediatric mental health provider.
